How should I communicate with a difficult co-parent?

Keep messages short, factual and about the child, respond on a delay rather than immediately, and write everything as though a judge will read it. Consider using a single channel so the record stays in one place.

Should I reply to abusive messages?

Do not reply in kind. Acknowledge only the part that concerns the child, ignore the rest, and keep the original message. If messages are threatening, report them and consider protective orders.

What is parallel parenting?

An approach where two parents disengage from each other and run their own households independently, communicating only about essential logistics. It is often used where co-parenting cooperatively is not realistic.

The QUEST 5 Laws of Communication

6 min read · Last reviewed 1 August 2026

Most family court cases are made worse by messages sent at 11pm. Communication is the one part of proceedings you fully control, and it is the part judges see most clearly. These five rules are what experienced McKenzie Friends tell parents on day one.

1. Write for the judge, not the ex

Assume every message will be printed, numbered and read aloud. That single assumption removes sarcasm, insults and score-settling without you needing any other rule. It is not about being fake. It is about not handing the other side free evidence.

2. One subject, one message

Combining handover times with an argument about money guarantees neither gets resolved. Keep each message to one practical question, with a clear ask and a deadline.

Example

"Can you confirm whether you are collecting Amelia at 5pm on Friday? If I do not hear by Thursday evening I will assume the usual arrangement."

3. Delay before you send

Nothing about a message needs to be answered in the moment. Draft it, leave it for a few hours, then reread it. Almost every message improves. If you are angry, that is information, not a deadline.

A useful habit: write the version you want to send, save it somewhere private, then write the version you will actually send. Both feelings get an outlet. Only one gets a witness.

4. Answer the child-focused part, ignore the rest

Difficult messages usually contain one legitimate question buried in provocation. Answer that question. Do not acknowledge the provocation at all. This is not weakness. Over a few months it produces a message history where one parent is consistently practical and the other is consistently not.

5. Keep it in one place

Conversations split across texts, WhatsApp, email, Facebook and doorstep exchanges are almost impossible to evidence and easy to dispute. Agree a single channel where you can, keep to it, and keep the whole record.

Phrases that lower the temperature

"I want to get this right for Sam. Can we agree the pickup time for next week?"
"I see it differently, but I do not think we will resolve that by message. Shall we put it to mediation?"
"Noted, thank you. I will confirm by Thursday."
"I am not going to discuss that. On the school trip, my answer is yes."

None of these will make the other parent reasonable. That is not the point. They protect your children from being in the middle of it, and they protect you from being the one who escalated.

Common questions

How should I communicate with a difficult co-parent?: Keep messages short, factual and about the child, respond on a delay rather than immediately, and write everything as though a judge will read it. Consider using a single channel so the record stays in one place.
Should I reply to abusive messages?: Do not reply in kind. Acknowledge only the part that concerns the child, ignore the rest, and keep the original message. If messages are threatening, report them and consider protective orders.
What is parallel parenting?: An approach where two parents disengage from each other and run their own households independently, communicating only about essential logistics. It is often used where co-parenting cooperatively is not realistic.