Should I reply to an abusive message from my ex?

Do not reply in kind. Answer only the part that concerns the child, ignore the rest, and keep the original. If messages are threatening or relentless, report them and consider protective orders.

How quickly should I reply to my co-parent?

Unless a child's safety is involved, nothing needs an immediate reply. Within 24 to 48 hours is reasonable and gives you time to answer calmly.

Blocking entirely is risky where you share children, because it can be presented as refusing to communicate. It is usually better to keep one channel open and disable notifications, or to use a dedicated messaging tool.

How do I respond to a difficult message?

6 min read · Last reviewed 1 August 2026

It arrives at 10.40pm. It contains an accusation, a threat about court, something about money, and one question about Thursday. Your hands shake and you start typing. Everything that goes wrong from here is avoidable.

The method

1
Read it once, then put the phone down
Read it twice and you will start composing. The first reading is enough to know whether anything in it is urgent. Almost nothing ever is.
2
Write the reply you want to send, somewhere private
Not in the message box, where one slip sends it. Get it out of your system somewhere it cannot be filed at court.
3
Find the child-focused question
There is usually exactly one: a time, a date, a permission, a piece of information. Underline it.
4
Answer only that, in one to three lines
No defence, no counter-accusation, no history. If a false allegation genuinely needs correcting, one flat sentence: 'That is not accurate, but I am not going to argue it by message.'
5
Wait, then send in the morning
Overnight changes almost every message for the better, and it breaks the pattern of instant escalation.

A worked example

What arrives

"You never think about anyone but yourself. My solicitor says what you did last weekend is grounds for supervised contact. You still haven't paid for the school shoes. Are you having him Thursday or not, because I need to know now."

What most people send

Four paragraphs about the shoes, the solicitor, last weekend, and a comment about their mother. Exhibit AB1, page 12.

What to send

"Yes, I will collect Jacob on Thursday at 4pm as usual and drop him back Friday morning for school. I'll transfer for the shoes this week. I'm not going to discuss the rest by message."

Three lines. Every practical point answered. Nothing to quote against you. Repeat that for six months and the message history tells a story you do not have to argue.

Phrases worth keeping

"Noted, thank you. I will confirm by Thursday."
"I see it differently. I do not think we will resolve that by message."
"I want to get this right for Ella. Can we agree the pickup time first?"
"I am not going to respond to that. On the school trip, my answer is yes."
"Please can you confirm in writing so we both have the same information."

When to stop replying

If messages are threatening, relentless, or being used to frighten you, this is no longer a communication problem. Keep everything, report it where appropriate, and get advice about protective orders. Nothing above requires you to absorb abuse in order to look reasonable.

A useful test before sending: would you be comfortable if this message were read aloud in court, in front of your child at eighteen, and by the person you most respect? If yes, send it.

Common questions

Should I reply to an abusive message from my ex?: Do not reply in kind. Answer only the part that concerns the child, ignore the rest, and keep the original. If messages are threatening or relentless, report them and consider protective orders.
How quickly should I reply to my co-parent?: Unless a child's safety is involved, nothing needs an immediate reply. Within 24 to 48 hours is reasonable and gives you time to answer calmly.
Can I block my ex?: Blocking entirely is risky where you share children, because it can be presented as refusing to communicate. It is usually better to keep one channel open and disable notifications, or to use a dedicated messaging tool.