My ex won't let me see my child

This is the most common reason parents come looking for help, and it is one of the most frightening things that can happen to you. Before anything else: not seeing your child this week does not mean not seeing your child. Most of these situations resolve, and the way you behave in the next few weeks matters more than almost anything else.

Where you actually stand

If there is no court order, there is nothing to enforce. Neither parent has the automatic right to have the child on any given day, and the police will treat it as a civil matter. That feels unjust. It is also the reason the family court exists, and why an order changes the picture completely.

Having parental responsibility does not by itself give you time with your child. It gives you a say in major decisions such as schooling and medical treatment.

What to do, in order

1. 1

   Ask, once, in writing, calmly

   Send one short message proposing specific arrangements. 'I would like to keep seeing Ella on Saturdays from 10 until 6, as before. If that does not work for you, please tell me what would.' Do not send five. One clear, reasonable, dated request is worth far more later than a hundred angry ones.

2. 2

   Ask why, and actually listen

   Contact usually stops for a reason, even a reason you think is wrong. Sometimes it is a genuine safeguarding worry, sometimes a row about money, sometimes fear. Knowing which one you are dealing with changes what you do next.

3. 3

   Keep a record from today

   Every missed visit, every message, every offer you made. Dates matter. In three months you will not remember whether it was the 4th or the 11th, and the difference can matter.

4. 4

   Try mediation

   A MIAM is required before most applications anyway. Mediation is faster and cheaper than court and it works more often than people expect, particularly where the dispute is really about trust rather than the child.

5. 5

   Apply for a Child Arrangements Order

   If contact is still blocked, apply on a C100. An order sets out who the child spends time with and when, and it can be enforced.

What makes it worse

• Turning up unannounced at the house or school. It rarely gets you your child and it frequently produces an allegation.
• Repeated messaging. A judge reading forty messages in one evening sees the volume before they see the content.
• Involving the child. Asking them to pass messages, or telling them what the other parent is doing, harms them and it is noticed.
• Stopping child maintenance to force contact. They are entirely separate. Doing this damages you and nobody else.
• Posting about it publicly. Family proceedings are private and reporting restrictions are taken seriously.

If allegations have been made against you

Contact sometimes stops because the other parent has raised a concern about safety. If that has happened, do not treat it as a battle to win. Respond factually, engage with any assessment, and let the process test it. Parents who react with fury to an allegation frequently confirm the impression they were trying to dispel.

Meanwhile, stay in their life

Small, consistent, undramatic

Send birthday cards. Keep paying what you agreed. Attend parents' evenings if you can. Write letters your child can read later, even if they are not passed on now. Courts notice the parent who kept showing up quietly, and one day so will your child.